Greetings, new clients! Wow, someone has sure put something in the water, haven't they? Maybe it's that special chemical, selfdestructoritis, eh? Ha! Your Royal Highness Prince Andrew, Charlie Sheen, John Galliano, Glenn Beck: you have done the right thing in coming to me for help, even if some of you – Charlie – did not have much choice as two weeks ago your last publicist quit what must have been a highly satisfying job.
All of you have had bad news. Glenn, there are rumours that your contract will not be renewed at the end of this year, possibly because your incomprehensible specials about George Soros were too weirdy-weirdo even for Fox News's, shall we say, credulous viewers. Your Royal Highness, the media still refuses to understand the nature of your friendship. What's a little conviction for underage sex or political tyranny between friends, as long as that friend has oodles of dosh? Charlie and John, what has been going on with you two? Something about people not getting a joke? Whatever.
So stick to the following PowerPoint plan, boys, and all will be well. I promise*.
1. Don't talk to the public directly Perhaps you are surprised that you are being taken to task for behaviour that has worked for you for years, and there is some merit in that complaint. I mean, Andy, it's not like you've ever hidden your fondness for business and social acquaintances who sound like an episode of America's Most Wanted. Ditto you, Charlie: you've been getting $2m an episode to play a spoilt, immature mess – and people loved it! And now they're complaining when it turns out – hey, waddyaknow – you are a spoilt, immature mess.
Britney Spears unravelled in the era of 24-hour news TV; you lot are heading downwards in the Twitter and the mobile cameraphone era, when the public expects constant unmediated access to celebrities, but they haven't understood that these celebrities may not be quite how they imagine. Similarly, celebrities have become accustomed to expressing themselves without the pesky mediating hands of publicists and editors, but rather through the means of social media and reality TV.
But the truth is, a bit of editing is a good thing, as anyone who has been watching Charlie's webcasts – which should be shown in schools by anti-drugs campaigners – now knows. Remember, "having lots of Twitter followers" is not the same thing as "having a career".
So don't forget, Glenn, just because you've drawn it on your blackboard doesn't make it true; John, if someone holds a mobile camera in your face, don't talk about Hitler; and, Charlie, the combination of you and Twitter is as toxic as crack and meth, the toxicity of which you may or may not know personally.
2. Also, limit your talkshow appearances This may be difficult if you have ingested so many amphetamines during your lifetime that they have irrevocably altered your brain chemistry. Thus, even if you are – as you now claim – clean, you find it hard to stop talking about yourself, ever. It is even more difficult when those talkshow hosts beg you to let them turn you into freak shows – I mean, sympathetic human beings.
Contrary to what these advocates of the confessional culture suggest, narcissism and self-justification don't lead to absolution. The one exception to this rule is Piers Morgan Tonight, which you are strongly advised to appear on. When Charlie appeared last week, Morgan spoke admiringly about what a "bad boy" he is; he made the frankly untrue claim that if Charlie were a rock star, his behaviour would be considered normal and thus the outrage now is pure hypocrisy; and when he eventually asked about Charlie's history of violence against women and accepted his denial without referring to – oh, off the top of my head – the time Charlie shot his fiancee.
But generally, what I'm saying is, have a nice hot cup of shut up.
3. Ditch the hangers-on Some have seen John's antisemitic blether as a natural extension of his desire to please the fashion industry's need for outrage. Wow, Vogue causes anorexia and antisemitism? How is that magazine legal?
Possibly even more dangerous than Vogue is the vulturish coterie that hangs around with Charlie, as spotted in the background of his first webcast, cheering on his increasingly deluded ravings.
And Andrew? Rule of thumb: best not to socialise with daughters of disgraced newspaper magnates, particularly if they've dated convicted sex offenders. And don't hang around with sex offenders either. Or people with the surname "Gaddafi". Come see me after class if any of this isn't clear.
4. And finally . . . Andy, you may as well say something antisemitic now. You're the only one in the group who hasn't ticked this box, which is a surprise from a member of the aristocracy. After the revelations about your proximity to a sex offender and international terrorists, you may as well make a crack about the Holocaust and really nail the trifecta. Then report back to me on whether being antisemitic really does relieve stress. After all, that's the justification some have mooted for Galliano saying he loves Hitler. Personally, I've always gone down the massage route, but maybe that's why I'm just a PR and you're all stars.
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